why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He keeps bees of course he's weird
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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