I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
