Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
