Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
