i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
