you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
