and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
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I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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