Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
They took my balls.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
