So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
