I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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