I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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