She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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