im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
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while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
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The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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