Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
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She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
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Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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