I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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