Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Everyone says I win the strip club
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
