I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
All the doctor said was why
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
