i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.