what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
