There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
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OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
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This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.