just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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