Screwed.edu
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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