Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
