i would one night stand the shit outta him
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
