my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
