Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
