I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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