woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
