Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
