The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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