Your mouth is God's brothel.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Send help, water and tortillas.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
