I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
