Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
