While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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