So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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