Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
