your parents love me but you hate me
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
