I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
