She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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