I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
