Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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