It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
