Pregnant stripper...not hot.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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