So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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