i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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