Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
