so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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