god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Randomize
