I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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