how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
