It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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