There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
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You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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