he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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