so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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