I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
