I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Randomize
