his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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