worst night to have a conscience
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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