found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
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The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
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We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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