The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You are a genius and a whore.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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